Note: This IS a secured journal entry. However an email with link was sent to Gin after Tash departed to seek out Ben.
Tash Fett [Game Day 89]
I have not enjoyed “growing up” these past few months. I do believe I was happier when people thought of me as nothing more than a flesh droid. Actually happier is an incorrect word choice as I really felt nothing. More accurately would be that I miss the absence of so many forms of emotional pain. Cut me, shoot me, torture me; these are things I know how to endure. These horrible emotions are nothing but a bane to me.
I still get such sadness when I think about Anna not wanting me. I still cannot comprehend how people cope with these sorts of events.
Of recent I am responsible for Gin forcing my mother off the ship. They were dating and I completely caused a rift between them. I did not mean to. Both have told me it is not my fault but from my studies this certainly does mean it was my fault. I even know the catalyst event which I instigated. I did not mean for any of what followed but I did start it. I thought I was helping Gin with my fake marriage to Faye to get mother to talk as Gin wanted and then mother wanted me to keep it up for Gin. I had no idea of any of the ramifications.
That does not absolve me of any blame though. A Thermal Detonator does not detonate until someone activates it and starts the sequence. I was that someone in the resulting detonation between my mother and Gin. I have to live with that. I have to live with knowing that because of me my mother had to leave. I have to live with knowing that I caused a divide between Gin and myself. I was raised that ignorance is no excuse for failure. Unfortunately there are no re-tests in the real world. Failure is just that. Failure. I started the detonation sequence and this is all my fault.
Then I have to deal with the clone prisoners. They truly creep me out. I get this strange vibe around them and they constantly look at me. I do not want to kill them or allow Gin or his crew to kill them. I know Ben the Jedi told me clones are not my brothers but I just feel like they are my family. It is, well I just cannot explain it at all.
I must add a side note that I philosophically am uncertain of just killing people anymore. This is a whole new concept for me in general thought as my instincts and training still take over but after I am just not sure if it was the right thing to do. I am certain that if I had exhibited this trait earlier to my original masters they would have terminated me immediately. Due to Gin’s predisposition to simply kill targets I fear he may view this as a weakness in me and decide to terminate me as well. I have no desire to kill Gin or any of his crew however I will not allow myself to be terminated. I suddenly see a value in deception I had never previously thought of. Did I plant explosives? Will they detonate if I die? Is there some remote internal trigger? Interesting thoughts. I did promise Gin I would not deceive him so these are just interesting thoughts I could use on others if ever needed. He may use this against me to kill me but I will have died with my honor and integrity.
Back to my original quandary, I do need to find some answers.
I am hoping that Ben can provide some but I am unsure if he can. While I think I made a decent impression with him when I last visited he seemed very jaded regarding clones, of one I am I simply do have to admit. I am hoping he may know of someone wiser and more tolerant of which I can seek to learn more about who I am. I do not mean as a clone, but more of the bigger question of, “Who am I?” This is something I would never have even considered asking such a question three months ago let alone desiring to seek an answer.
I do hope that Ben can give me guidance on this path. Regardless I believe Gin will not be happy with me for I will either offer up my second suit of heavy armor as collateral, worth several times the cost, for the Diligent. Otherwise I will simply have to secure a ship on my own to explore this path I feel I need to take to find who I am before I can come back and not be a liability to Gin and his crew along with what he calls The Club.