Tash Fett [Insert date time]
It has been a couple of weeks since I wrote one of my logs. A lot has been going on but nothing like the past few days. I barely know where to begin, I barely even understand what has happened.
I met up with Ana on Nar Shaddaa and I was so extremely happy. There was some other issues that happened at the same time including my Master being very disrespected by this group he was attempting to work with but he is ok and that is mostly irrelevant at this point.
Anyways the night Ana arrived we went out to a concert and had fun and we came back to the ship. I told her how happy I was she had come and what she meant to me but it turned out she did not feel the same. For the past month she was the one person I had been thinking and dreaming about and she thought of me as just a friend. From the holo’s I have watched I would describe how I felt as my heart burst into a million pieces and shattered into even more fragments upon the deck floor. I suddenly felt a great hole in my chest, an empty void even. I did not know what to do. Now when I was barely five I once cried and was beaten until I stopped and told that crying was a sign of weakness and that I had not been made to be weak. Yet at that very moment I found myself weak and I had to get away. I found myself crawling into the cockpit of my fighter and I cried, no I sobbed uncontrollably until I finally fell asleep.
The dangers I have faced, the opponents I have fought, I was never weak. And somehow this other girl defeated me so thoroughly. I am so ashamed of myself.
I was awoken in the cockpit by my master. Oddly he just talked to me as a person, something he has never really done before which was a bit confusing at first. Clearly he understood that I was not well inside which made me feel more shame for my weakness however he spoke to me in a kind and sympathetic way and did not lecture or berate me at all on my obvious weakness. For some reason this nearly brought me to tears again however he made no indication that he noticed. At the end of our conversation he did something very unexpected and gave me a hug. Something I am not familiar with but believe is supposed to be comforting between friends.
I should note that early into the conversation with my present master I did test him to determine if he felt I should be terminated. I am very glad that he gave strong indications of quite the opposite for I do like my present master unlike my previous ones which wished to terminate me and I had to dispatch.
More about Ana. Despite her strong indications that she does not desire any romantic relationship with me she has spent most of the several days with me. We have gone to concerts, shopping and she even spent a day assisting me with a tedious task of painting my fighter. This is the sort of relationship I desired from her. But then she will suddenly in public tell me I should go sleep with males, even together, like it is no big issue. Beyond the obvious issue of becoming impregnated I have no such desire. To be quite honest I just feel numb inside since the other day. The very thought of meeting someone new let alone being intimate is just revolting right now.
I bought a plant yesterday. His name is Snappy and he is a carnivore. I so love Snappy, he makes me happy. When I am with him I feel like a bit of that void inside of me is filled. I know that Snappy is just a plant and master will probably flush him out of an airlock but… He just makes me happy right now.
There is something wrong with master of late. I have little idea what exactly; however he was very unhappy about the dinner with the hut the other night. Apparently my calling master by his proper title caused quite an issue so I chose not to speak the rest of the evening. Master also seemed to be clinging to a steak knife the entire encounter. I just wish master would have given me the word to dispatch the disgusting globular slug. I did find the hut’s form of “entertainment” rather unpleasant. He had a man thrown into a tank of flesh eating fish. The fish were rather efficient though and the man did not suffer long. I do find prolonged deaths and suffering quite distasteful. I did find this hut rather vile and I do wish I could have just eliminated him.
Yesterday master went and locked himself in the cockpit of the other fighter for much of the day. I found this most strange. He even took lunch in there. I wanted to go and speak with him but we had so many new “guests” aboard I did not want to have such an encounter in the presence of such an audience. However, master emerged before dinner and seemed to be more of his old self so that makes me happy. I still need to speak with him though.
I did find an email from master just after dinner but before Ana and I went to the bar. Training with Redd is back on. There are several expletives I saw in holo’s I would like to insert here. Anyway, I need to acquire more alcohol and I hope I can understand this log entry once I am sober.
Note to self: Remember master is not to be called master while on Nar Shaddaa. Teacher or instructor just seem wrong. Since I am not officially crew Captain seems wrong. Perhaps “mentor.” Yes that could work.